im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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