My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
