and you said cock pushups were impossible
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
