Someone shit on the floor
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hippo gnu deer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
