Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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