On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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