I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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