4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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