He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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