My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
