you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
