that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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