I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
