Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
