i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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