I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
