Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
