I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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