I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
