drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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