I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
