i just sent this text using only my big toe
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
