I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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