im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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