Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You are the jesus of drinking
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
