quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize