dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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