i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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