OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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