She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
