If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
