i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
