Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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