You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
