T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
