i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
