I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
