No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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