i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
