She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
