dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
