I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
