Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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