I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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