I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I didn't notice because vodka
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I did not marry a roomba.
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