He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
my poor anus
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
