grandma shit on top of the toilet
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
