Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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