But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
