uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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