dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
