if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
