You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
