i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
