My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
