Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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