some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
