sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
