I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
