I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
