Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Randomize
