Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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