so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
