I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he thought i was a dude.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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