I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
