I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
