Nicole vs. Life
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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