I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
