My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
