Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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