yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
