The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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