I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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