we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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