i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
