We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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