Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
