***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
