Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
