dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
