Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
